kfhghsdfhlghlfsghljglhjafsdhlfghasdglhfsglhjlghjsfad. paul serebe
welcome to gay baby jail
here is a bunch of filler text so that i can test out scrolling on this page. lorem ipsum blah blah blah. youre like a *dun dun* time traveler. you like to *record scratch* *crash* go backwards
Written By Bruce Livingstone
ACT ONE
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
BRUCE SAVAGE stands in his office. He is sexually attractive.
Somebody knocks on Bruce's door and he opens it. It's a SCIENTIST LADY. She looks like a librarian with glasses but she is actually a scientist. You can tell because she has a lab coat.
LADY SCIENTIST:
Help Me.
BRUCE:
Okay.
LADY SCIENTIST:
Take this knife because some bad apples are trying to steal it and it is very important.
BRUCE:
Okay.
LADY SCIENTIST:
What is your name handsome?
BRUCE:
I'm Bruce. Let's shake hands.
Bruce and Lady Scientist shake hands.
LADY SCIENTIST:
Wow. You almost broke my hand with that handshake. You are definitely a tough guy.
She is impressed with Bruce's strength. She looks at his large biceps like they are delicious pieces of ham but she doesn't want to eat them.
LADY SCIENTIST:
Here is the knife.
The Lady Scientist hands Bruce the knife. It looks mostly like a knife but also like a time machine because it is both a knife and a time machine but Bruce doesn't know that yet.
GOONS break through the windows and shoot the scientist lady. She dies.
SCIENTIST LADY:
Avenge me.
BRUCE:
Okay.
Bruce kills the goons with his legs by doing lots of kicking at them. They are dead real quick.
BRUCE:
Looks like I got a LEG UP on you guys.
The audience probably laughs here so Bruce waits to deliver his next line for around five seconds so that everybody has calmed down.
BRUCE:
What is so special about this knife?
Bruce stabs the knife into his chair. The chair disappears.
BRUCE:
The chair disappeared.
He looks at a picture on his wall which is a big photograph from 1932 with lots of people from 1932 in it. Bruce's chair is in the picture.
BRUCE:
Interesting. My chair traveled back in time to 1932 when I stabbed it. When I stab things they travel through time. That explains why this knife looks like a knife but also like a time machine, because it is both.
Bruce's real goofy friend from across the hall runs into the room. He trips on something on the floor. His name is SLOBBO. He isn't as fat as his name sounds.
SLOBBO:
Awwww yyyeah!
That is Slobo's catch phrase and he says it in a real funny way.
SCIENTIST LADY:
Bruce, you saved my life.
The Scientist Lady was only faking being dead.
SCIENTIST LADY:
Are you married?
BRUCE:
Only to my job.
SCIENTIST LADY:
I find that attractive but also respectable.
She kisses Bruce's cheek.
SLOBBO:
What about MY cheek? Awwww maaaan.
That is Slobo's other catch phrase, which he says in a different but equally funny way.
Bruce waits a few seconds for the audience to stop laughing before speaking.
BRUCE:
Wait. Those lips were man lips not woman lips.
Bruce pulls off the Scientist Lady's wig. She is actually Bruce's boss, PAUL MARINE. Paul Marine is a douche.
BRUCE:
My boss. But why?
PAUL MARINE:
I wanted you to kill those guys because they wanted me dead. I knew you were real tough so you could kill them easy but I don't respect you as an employee so I always make you do the shitty jobs even though you've been working at my company more than most of the other guys and are real smart. Also I don't like you because my girlfriend finds you sexually attractive.
BRUCE:
Now I understand.
PAUL MARINE:
Give me my time knife back.
Paul Marine snaps his fingers and seventy-three goons surround Bruce.
PAUL MARINE:
You can't kill seventy-three goons so just give up.
BRUCE:
I don't have TIME for this.
Bruce stabs himself with the time knife and disappears.
SLOBBO:
He time traveled using the time knife.
Bruce opens the door. Now he is twice as jacked.
PAUL MARINE:
You're even more sexually attractive. How is this possible?
BRUCE:
I stabbed myself and traveled back to the past, then trained in all kinds of martial arts to become even stronger. I also strapped explosives into everybody's boots in the past so that when I press this detonator you will all explode.
SLOBBO:
Awwwww yyyyeah.
BRUCE:
I'm glad I have stocks in this company.
PAUL MARINE:
Why?
BRUCE:
Because business... is booming.
Bruce presses the detonator. All seventy-three goons blow up like eggs in a microwave. Paul Marine doesn't explode.
PAUL MARINE:
Luckily I used my metal detector this morning and found the explosives. So I switched boots with somebody else. Say, Slobbo, whose boots are you wearing?
SLOBBO:
NOOOOOO!!
Slobbo explodes.
BRUCE:
My best friend. You'll pay for this.
PAUL MARINE:
You don't want to stab me with that time knife.
BRUCE: Why not?
PAUL MARINE:
Because I am actually you from the future.
BRUCE:
That doesn't make sense.
PAUL MARINE:
Yes it does. Remember that the time knife is also a time machine. I am you from the future but I stabbed myself with the time knife in order to come back here and do all of this.
BRUCE:
But we don't look the same.
PAUL MARINE:
That is a good point and I am glad you brought it up. First I time travelled 700 years into the future to a time where humans have created advanced technology that allows surgeries that completely change people's faces and bodies. I had this surgery performed so that you wouldn't be able to recognize me, but I am actually you in disguise. I can prove it because I know many things about you.
BRUCE:
Like what?
PAUL MARINE:
You have a birth mark on your left ankle.
BRUCE:
I do have a birth mark on my left ankle. I am starting to believe you now.
PAUL MARINE:
You should, because even though I have a new body I kept that birth mark on my ankle so that when I met you I could prove that I was actually you from the future. I will show you.
Paul lifts up the left leg of his pants but there is no birth mark. Instead there is an ankle holster for a gun. Paul pulls out the gun and aims it at Bruce.
PAUL MARINE:
I was lying this whole time. I'm not actually you. I was just saying all of that so that I could get my gun.
BRUCE:
Son of a bitch.
PAUL MARINE:
Also in the future I melted the time knife and turned it into bullets. Those bullets are now in this gun, which means that I can shoot you but also send you through time all at once. Finally you will be out of my way so that I can marry my girlfriend Sofine later today before you are able to tell her that I'm a real shitty guy.
BRUCE:
I didn't know you were getting married today.
PAUL MARINE:
I know. My girlfriend Sofine made an invitation for you because she admires you and thinks you're sexually attractive but I destroyed the invitation and then lied to her and said I gave it to you at work. But now I am here to give you a different invitation. To your funeral.
Paul Marine shoots at Bruce.
Slobbo jumps in front of Bruce.
SLOBBO:
NOOOOOO!!
Slobbo wasn't actually dead. He jumps in front of the bullets and is shot several times. Now he's actually dying.
SLOBBO:
Avenge me.
BRUCE:
Okay.
Bruce goes to attack Paul Marine, but now Paul Marine has disappeared.
BRUCE:
He's gone.
Slobbo is dying on the ground covered in blood. His body is red like a hotdog covered in lots of ketchup.
SLOBBO:
You must... stop the wedding. You are... totally a better guy and clearly more attractive than Paul. You should be... dating his girlfriend Sofine.
Slobbo dies.
Bruce just sits there next to Slobbo for a while because many people will be crying at this point. He eventually gets up.
BRUCE:
Looks like I'm going to a wedding. After all...
He holds out the time knife.
BRUCE:
Somebody's gotta cut the cake.
"Cut the cake" means he's going to kill Paul. The audience will understand because of the way the actor says it. It's a real intense moment.
Bruce puts on his shades.
END OF ACT ONE